Within every cliche remains a grain of truth. This is axiomatic. The idea that women are “cat-ty”, bitchy, and jealous of other women is unfortunately true.
Do women compete, undermine, and undercut other women at work?
Well, if best sellers like “Working with Bitches” by Meredith Fuller or “Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees," by Cheryl Dellasega, are any indication, then yes, these traits are alive and well and thriving in workspaces everywhere.
Jealousy begins with a scarcity mindset, a belief that there’s not enough for everyone, and if statistics are to be believed, that only 1 in 10 women are CEO’s, then it’s understandable that some might want to hang on to their hard-won seat at the top. However, is it necessary to be a bitch to stay there?
Each of us is programmed by our societal upbringing to win. Children who play hockey, even those as young as 5 years old, understand quickly that to win at all costs, even if that means hurting another player. I’ve heard parents yell, “Kill him, kill him” during a heated play. Did they forget these are their precious lambs on the ice? It seems so!
We learn as young children that we are in competition with one another when we play games to win prizes- the best prize, of course, reserved for coming in first. The pleasure and accolades we receive when we win tell us this is the ideal place to be, at the top!
While we never want to be picked last in gym class, being picked first gives us the most opportunity to pick a winning team, and the objective is to win!
What does winning look like? That depends on the age and stage of the winner. For some women, this might mean having the most popular guy in school ask them out, even if he has a girlfriend. It could mean landing the richest guy to marry, finding the most handsome husband, driving the most expensive car, buying the biggest house, being picked for the top spot at work, or being crowned Ms. Whatever, etc.
What if winning meant something else? What if everyone worked together for a common goal? Would we still experience the joy of winning? Would this satisfy our inner critic and ego?
Michael Jordan, the famed winner of 6 NBA Championships, stated, “Talent wins games, but teams win championships.” He would know!
This suggests that ‘teamwork is dreamwork but is teamwork true collaboration, or am I splitting hairs here?
It’s been said that on a team, someone is a leader and the rest of the team members work together to complete a project. The hallmark of a person who's good at collaborating in the workplace is someone who is influential, a good communicator, a decision-maker, and a leader. Collaborating doesn't just mean working with others to complete a project; it means adding your voice, bringing innovation to the table, taking on a role of your choice, and supporting others towards a common goal.
The 3 C’s of collaboration are communication, commitment, and coordination, but I think connection is as vital an element as any other, maybe even more so.
When I think of my time playing drums in a band, or paddling on a winning National Master Dragonboat team, and today as cofounder of a 100% female owned global conglomerate known as G-Woman Media Inc., a broadcasting, publishing and distribution platform, the common thread that weaves itself throughout this tapestry of my life, that made each experience not only meaningful but also successful was/is the Connection I had. Not only the connection I had with those I collaborated with (hell, without our connection, we would never have made it through the process of learning to trust one another), but also the connection we create with our customers, who are the reason we do what we do.
Our collective is the heartbeat of our organization, and building trust through that connection is why they will stay with us, tell their friends about us, and invest in us. It really is the secret sauce.
This idea of ‘ one on one’ competition exists from an outdated model of operating in the world, where both women and men continually compete for the most marbles. Women are made to believe they have to operate like a man to be successful. Many men still feel women don’t belong at the head of the table. When asked to describe a leader, they invariably describe a man. We have learned to alienate rather than unite. Compete rather than collaborate.
Women park their softer, feminine sides away in order to be taken seriously in a man’s world.
There was a time when women often collaborated. They would come together to sew beautiful quilts, each woman contributing her squares to tell a story that in turn became a magnificent work of art. These were known as Quilting Bees.
The suffragettes collaborated with one another in their attempt to get women the right to vote, and in salons throughout Europe in the 17th and 18th centuries, women gathered to collaborate. They discussed literature, politics, and music. Their collective thoughts made it into articles, and households where they swayed opinion. In fact, women have naturally collaborated throughout history, often swayed by a shared sense of purpose to improve their lives and the lives of others.
In a large study completed within the military, it was found that when women are collaborative and communal, they are perceived as not being competent—but when they emphasize their competence, they’re seen as cold and unlikable, in a classic “double bind.”
The positive side to women in leadership is that they are seen as compassionate and organized, whereas men are described as analytical, competent, and athletic. On the negative side, words most used to describe women are “inept, frivolous, gossip, excitable, scattered, temperamental, panicky, and indecisive.” Men’s negative traits are arrogant and irresponsible.
When women use their gifts of intuition, nurturing, vulnerability, and creativity, they are actually more successful. They become more approachable, likable, and more willing to be collaborative.
As a child and as a parent, how many times have you heard or said, “Just because ‘everyone’ else is doing it, doesn’t mean you have to too.”
Intellectually, most of us know that there’s enough opportunity to go around for everyone, yet internally, competition has been hard-wired into our subconscious. Unless we actively disarm or delete the programme, we are destined to repeat it. Parents take so much pride in their children’s wins, it’s almost like they are winners themselves by proxy. Have you ever thought of the pressure we put on children to be number one ( even if you aren’t conscious of it) because, as they say, “If you aren’t first, you may as well have been last. No one remembers the name of the person who came in second.”
Just because that’s how things have been done for decades doesn’t mean it’s the best way, nor does it need to continue to be the go-to system. The world changes, we evolve. That’s a good thing.
Women have an opportunity to change the status quo- that’s called being a Gamechanger. We can change the narrative- that’s called being Genius, and we can create and deliver a new solution to an old, outdated system- that’s called being Gifted.
In Michelle Buteau’s memoirs- Survival of the Thickest, she tells the story about going to auditions and watching the skinny blond girls ignore one another because they know the competition is fierce and only one of them will walk away a winner. She also knew she would never be cast as the lead, as she was darker and ‘thicker’. She was always destined to be the best friend in these films.
Alternatively, when she went to a black girl/other only auditions, the girls happily chatted with one another, sharing stories and laughing, filling the room. Why? What’s the difference?
These sisters knew that there was only one part to be filled, but to them, it didn’t matter who was selected as long as a ‘sister’ was getting a part in a film. This was something to celebrate. The next time a casting call was put out, they understood it would be someone else’s turn to shine. The fact that there were roles for one person of colour in a film meant progress was being made. So collectively, even if it wasn’t them as an individual, they were happy for the win. What a great attitude!
This is how we should all be operating in this world. Happy to be a part of someone else’s success, knowing they will be there to help you the next time. Supporting, loving, and sharing the good times as well as the bad so that everyone ends up with a slice of the pie.
If the book titles at the beginning of this article support the idea that women at work are office bitches, the following book titles let us know the times they are a-changing.
Books like Radical Candor- how to be a Kick-Ass Boss without Losing Your Humanity by Kim Scott, or Mean Girl No More: How to Shift from Sabotage to Support and Build a Powerful Inner Circle by Peggy Sue Vasquez, support the new consciousness and shift to less competition and more mentorship and collaboration.
Women are competent, independent multi-taskers who don’t need a Hall pass to get into the men's club, nor do we need a seat at their table, because guess what? We know how to use power tools and build our own damn table. We can start our own businesses and be our own CEOs. We don’t need permission, nor do we need man’s approval. We just need to take out our God given gifts, stop hiding what makes us great, and watch the magic unfold.
Women are discovering that competition no longer serves them. Wearing a man’s mantle of aggression and hard behaviour is not only exhausting, it’s lonely. The men fear you, and the women hate you.
Shifting back to the innate qualities women are born with, using our softer skill sets, and allowing them to be expressed in the best possible way makes for an atmosphere where creativity, innovation, and collaboration can thrive.
